I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
