for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
