is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
