Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
