i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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