I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
