I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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