I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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