sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
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Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
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I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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