Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
