I wish I could teleport
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
