He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
