she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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