Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
someone owes me an orgasm
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
