successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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