its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
