Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
