planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
