I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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