I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
