i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
