I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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