I wish my penis had an off switch
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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