totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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