Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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