TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
