i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
