you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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