I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
