i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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