You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
