The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
