i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
