Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
