So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
