Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
