The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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