Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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