How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
