The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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