I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
