she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
