I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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