I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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