I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
