I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
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i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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