Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
