so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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