when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
