I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
