i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I need a beard to bite.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
