I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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